Holy crap, there’s a baby in there

I had my 8 week appointment this week and I prepared for it by taking the rest of the day off of work after the appointment. I have been feeling so negative and pessimistic, I was SURE I was going to get bad news. When the doctor showed me the screen I’m pretty sure I wasn’t breathing, but this is what I saw: 

You can clearly see the heart beat and it was a strong 169 beats per minute. SO HAPPY. 

Since I had the rest of the day off Mr Z and I decided to go to lunch and watch a movie for the first time since Isabel was born. We never use a baby sitter and we have no family around, so we’re always with her. It was so nice to have her safe with her nanny while we spent some quality time together. 

This pregnancy is kicking my ass already. I feel SO different from my last pregnancy. I’m always feeling crappy. Not nauseous, but just an overall feeling of yuckiness. If I don’t eat something every few hours I start to feel sick. I’m always tired and am asleep early every night and nap if possible if I’m home during the day. I feel very bloated and my pants are already starting to feel tight. It makes me upset because I remember how great I felt during my last pregnancy. I’m hoping that this feeling is temporary and that soon I’ll start to feel better. Or at least good enough to exercise because that will help me feel better all around. 

6 weeks 4 days

I went for my first ultrasound yesterday. I was terrified. I had to bring my daughter with me because it was my day off of work so I don’t have childcare on those days. I felt so awkward bringing her to the RE’s office. I asked them and they told me that it was totally fine, but I’ve never seen another child there before. She’s a product of my doctors amazing work so maybe I gave some woman a little bit of hope. I just didn’t want to cause anyone any heartache by having her there. 

Anyway, baby is doing extraordinarily well. Doc says he couldn’t have hoped for anything better. We saw the heartbeat and heard the little soft whomp whomp whomp which made my own heart skip a beat. The rate was around 122 bpm. Here’s baby’s first photo:

I go back in two weeks to check on the progress. I’m trying to remain as hopeful as possible. 

The second two week wait

I think I commented before about this time period. After you wait for what seems like ever to get a positive pregnancy test you then have to wait two to three weeks before you find out if there really is a tiny being or two growing inside you and if they have a heartbeat. This wait is rough because it’s completely out of your hands. I can’t test or do anything diy to see inside my uterus… Maybe that’s a good thing, because that’d be weird… 

I had my progesterone level checked last week and it came back as 11 which apparently isn’t very high. I’m not bleeding at all (I don’t think… More on that in a minute…) do the nurse wasn’t concerned. But my RE changed my progesterone in oil injection dose from 1.5 mL every other day to 1 mL every day. It’s the same amount, just distributed differently. I go back to check it again next Thursday, so I’ll see if it had any effect. 

I’m feeling generally ok to crappy on a regular basis. My lower back hurts pretty much all the time and my stomach feels weird always. Weird as in sometimes it just has a bit of cramping, but mostly it’s a constant feeling of being bloated. I have to pee all the time, I feel tired and nap whenever possible and sleep early every night. Another thing is that my butt is itchy from the progesterone shots and my belly is covered in polka dot bruises from the Lovenox. I’m feeling like a mess lately and I’m just trying to stay positive and hope that this is all worth it. Lastly, i am SO OVER these disgusting progesterone suppositories. Sticking one of these red gel coated pills up my vag three times a day just to have them slowly leak out all day is disgusting. It feels gross and it looks gross. Can I say again that they’re coated in a red gel… Red.. Whoever made these pills is the devil because the very last thing any infertile girl needs leaking out of her vagina is red goo… Is this blood? Is it the pill? Wtf?!? End rant. 

I’m 5 weeks and 3 days today on the 4th of July. Happy Independence Day everyone. 

2nd beta is in

So I had my second beta come in at 433 and my progesterone level is 11. I am 11 dp5dt. It’s a doubling time of about 43 hours. I am pregnant. It seems surreal that it would be this easy this time since previously everything went so wrong. 

I’m feeling good. No pregnancy symptoms to note. I pee more than usual and my upper butt is sore all the time from the progesterone in oil shots. And I started my Lovenox shots last night. I’ve been having a bad feeling that something is going to go wrong so I decided to start the dreaded Lovenox to hopefully tip all of the scales in my favor. I’ve only done one and that spot is still sore so they are still as awful as I remember them. 

Anyway, I’m going to bed tonight feeling positive. 

Beta is in

8dp5dt my beta is 138. I don’t have much to write. I need to start obsessively googling. I’ll be back. 

Cautiously optimistic

Very early this morning I woke up with a violent leg cramp. I had these all through my last pregnancy and they are the worst. I’m usually in tears, frozen, trying not to move and hoping the cramp passes quickly. So, since I was awake I decided to get up and pee. And since I had to pee, I figured why not just pee on a stick while I was there. Logical right??

Anyway, here’s what I saw:

It took several minutes to show up and it is still a faint line. But it is THERE. And I’ll take it. It’s enough to keep me holding on to hope until my beta on Friday morning. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m sure I’ll test again (more than once) between now and then. 

And then…

This happened. I needed to check again to  drive myself more crazy. This is tonight at 5dp5dt right before getting into bed. I SEE a line. Barely. But it’s there. I don’t know whether I should go to sleep feeling calm and comforted knowing that there’s a line or if I should be terrified that when I wake up there won’t be a line… I HATE HATE HATE this. It just reminds me of my last pregnancy. I had a great pregnancy, no issues to speak of. I loved being pregnant. But I never let my guard down, I was always just waiting for something bad to happen. I’ll sleep now, wishing and hoping for reassurance in the morning. 

The wait continues…

I am a crazy person. I can’t stop obsessively googling all day long. I just can’t stop. Someone needs to take my damn phone out of my hands… 

My symptoms right now are all very consistent with progesterone side effects: super bloated, gassy, irritable, and I still have a constant dull ache in my abdomen that isn’t a cramp really, but just uncomfortable. These are all pms symptoms too. So clearly I’m freaking out. I’m already angry and frustrated because I think this was a big waste of money, time, and effort. But I am still holding onto hope. I have to. 

I tested this morning using the wondfo strips. It was definitely negative. But after obsessively googling I learned that I need to wait at least 5 minutes for the result. I will test again tomorrow morning at 6dp5dt. If anyone reads this, please send me some positive vibes. I need all the support I can get. 

The wait

I hate it. The googling. The symptom spotting. The anxiety. Pessimism battling optimism. It’s all awful. 

I’ve been cramping on and off since 3dp5dt sometimes so bad that I check to see if my period has started. I’m in the clear so far. One day at a time I suppose. I’ll start home testing tomorrow since that’s when I got my previous positive test result but my beta isn’t until Friday. 

Transfer Day

This morning my Transfer appointment was at 915am in the city. I dropped my daughter off at her Nanny’s house and then went home to get ready. My hubby did my progesterone in oil shot and I put in one of those nasty progesterone vag suppositories and we were good to go. We took BART to the city on a disgusting crowded train and then walked a mile to the center. On the way I downed two 16 ounce bottles of water but still didn’t feel like my bladder was super full. 

We waited in the exam room for my RE for a bit and then the ultrasound tech came in. She attempted to get a picture of my uterus but couldn’t find it. She was barely putting any pressure on the wand, so my doctors tried to guide her. She clearly couldn’t grasp the amount of pressure needed to get a clear picture so my doc asked if she’d go get someone else to help her. Another girl came in, this one looked stronger. She took the wand and tried to get a good image but couldn’t find the area he needed to see. He kept pointing things out to her and she kept saying ok, ok, but still no luck. I’m kinda freaking out at this point because it’s now been 20 minutes trying to get the ultrasound in the right spot, but the doctor assured me that he just wanted everything to be perfect because during the transfer he won’t be able to assist the ultrasound tech because he’ll be concentrating and have his hands full. I get it and appreciate the way he advocates for perfection while still being very nice to these struggling girls. He finally asks this girl to find a physician to help because we’ve now been there so long (I do the transfer at a medical facility different from his regular office). So then, a doctor comes in and now there’s my RE, this doctor and the 2 previous ultrasound techs in this small room with my husband and I. It’s cramped and I’m feeling very awkward, but she takes the wand and finds the perfect image in seconds and we’re ready to get on with it. 

We transferred 2 beautiful little embryos and are now crossing our fingers. I’ll most likely home test on Tuesday since that’ll be 5 days past my 5 day transfer and when I got my BFP last time. Until then… We wait. 

Edit:

I don’t know why I didn’t attach a picture. So here are my two cute little embryos: